Those who know me would probably agree that the sum of my collective emotions in the recent months could be described as ‘anger,’ ‘rage,’ and/or ‘homicidal madness.’ What could be the source of this unremitting hatred I have? Let’s delve into the dark, forbidding cave that is my mind, examine some of the stalagmites of my thoughts and dreams, scrutinize over the native bats of my inner insanity and seek counsel from that shady, cloaked individual that resides deep inside, who grows stronger by the day and goes by the name, ‘Lucifer.’

Okay, are you about done doing all of that? Well, I’ll let you in on something: I don’t need a psychoanalysis to determine that the reason I’m so frustrated and angry stems from a female. This female continues to saturate my mind with thoughts of marriage and happiness while simultaneously filling it with seething fury caused by the many times I’ve been lied to and cheated on. I know I don’t deserve it. I probably could do better (that is, if I didn’t believe that all women are worthless whores. Except my mom). Even if nothing pans out, I don’t think I’ll ever be emotionally scarred or even hurt again; it’s probably not even possible, as I’ve been rendered an angry, hollowed-out shell that walks around making fun of retarded people. This is what I have become! I know all of this, but still I pursue, because I truly believe that she is my other half.

Let me explain my mentality. I go into every relationship with the attitude that no one is infallible, and if I truly like the person as a whole, any discrepancies I have with their faults (even if they’re faults in my mind alone) can either be discussed and dealt with or simply overlooked because I like nearly everything else about her. In said female’s case, there were originally not too many things I didn’t like, and many tremendous qualities I did. Namely, she was madly in love with me. She still is, but things are different now. She also has become a compulsive liar and cheater. These are not things I would ever simply overlook. Had I not been raised the way I was, this would constitute beating the shit out of her. Somehow, though, I know that person is still within her.

I don’t attribute her atrocities to a genuine lack of conscience and/or heart. I think it really has more to do with the fact that she is and has always been a pussy. She is the most dependant person I have ever met, afraid to speak up about anything. She would rather ignore a problem rather than deal with it, and this usually has the added effect of eventually blowing up in her face, resulting in breakdowns of astronomical levels that only the chemically imbalanced can experience in all their glory. Rather than address a problem with me, she’d tell lies and give me the impression that everything is okay. Rather than break up with me because she felt tied down, too young to be serious (while telling me on a daily basis that she wants to get married. She still does. Hey Steve, how ‘bout that.) she would go out with her whore friend and have sex with people she barely knew. Yes, I said, ‘whore friend.’ I never believed you, you fucking bitch, and once again I’m right.

So, anyway, I really believe that the only thing that will turn her back into a good person is time. I can’t ever picture her being ‘wise,’ but these events have to have aged her some, mentally and physically. She has to eventually learn from her mistakes, right? If she never tells another lie and never cheats again, she will once again be my perfect companion. She knows we share a deep connection and she’ll never be able to get over losing me if it happens, and I’ve given her every opportunity to act on it. She tells me she loves me every day. If I didn’t have a level head on my shoulders, I think I would’ve gone insane a long time ago, murdering anyone who would dare cross my path. But curse you, God! Intelligence is the bane of my existence!

She had surgery recently and I have been hanging out with her somewhat-frequently. I make her food, lay in bed with her, watch movies, whatever. Her feelings go back and forth so seemingly randomly it’s impossible to keep up. I just wish she’d settle down, quit acting like a little girl and at least go with something. She just doesn’t realize that the cause of her stress is herself and her self-created confusion. If she’d follow her heart (as homosexual as that expression may be, it fits) it’d be so much easier for everyone around her.

Alright, sorry about that, but didn’t you read the fucking title? I guess I really wasn’t going anywhere with this. However, if any chicks out there want to help me put this melodramatic portion of my life behind me, please visit https://chainedhobo.tripod.com/date_me.htm. And if that little girl wants to pick up where we left off not too long ago, I’d advise her to give me a call soon. The twitch is getting worse. I fear for the lives of my immediate family.

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