Toxin warnings grow for U.S. fish
Hello everyone. I’ve been sitting here pondering what to write about, in between vigorously masturbating, when I noticed something on CNN’s website that really hit a nerve. Somebody has poisoned our fish with the liquid metal, highly deadly, and strangely arousing phenomenon called ‘mercury!’ Now, all I really did was lazily skim the first paragraph, but the title says it all. Clearly, the fishes are in danger, and since they are our only source of sustenance, I deem it necessary for us all to get our respective asses in gear and do something about this. You may be asking yourself, ‘what am I to do? Not only has he told us just about nothing at all about the matter, if there really is a matter, but he expects us to do something. What the fuck?’ and I say to you, standing there in your faggoty white uniforms, what sort of men are you? Forgive me if you are a woman. Now get to work.
Our first course of action is to eliminate the gays. We straights are a proud race. We do not take kindly to sodomy-inclined strangers whose idea of free speech is ‘lisping.’ The Constitution is very clear on the matter of homosexuality in the Necessary and Proper Clause, which states: The People of the United States are hereby authorized to take any action that is determined to be necessary and proper against homosexuals, in the hope of ultimately removing them from our great nation. People, you can’t make this shit up.
Next, we’ll discuss another issue that puts me into a vulgar, senseless rage just thinking about it. GOD! I JUST WANT TO FUCKING KILL YOU LIBERAL DIPSHITS! AHHHHHHHHH! Sorry, folks. It seems to have passed. Let’s begin. First of all, I want you all to know that I am against abortion. What I don’t understand is why so many liberals are not. Sorry, but am I missing something, or do your beliefs have such enormous flaws that they also serve to disguise themselves with their obviousness? Are you not out there having sex with trees (as opposed to cutting them down, of course) to promote oxygen, tickling bald eagles instead of sending volleys of arrows their way as they proudly and elegantly swoop through our skies, ‘protecting’ that very sky by telling people not to buy SUVs (very effective, I might add), and proudly serving in wars, committing atrocities, then condemning the war thereafter and all the atrocities you and others committed, trying to become war heroes and anti-war heroes simultaneously? People, let me clue you in: It’s not just John Kerry. It is every leftist ignorant idiot that walks the earth. Let’s save the whales, but only by proudly displaying a bumper sticker on our cars! Let’s save the air and sky by telling people not to cut down trees, but never planting one! Until you start utilizing your legs or bicycles as your sole means of transportation, you are a living contradiction. Let’s strongly oppose wars because of how much death they bring, but when we get pregnant unintentionally, fuck that innocent child! I mean, an unborn child is not nearly as innocent and pure as an enemy country’s soldier or even civilian, correct? Why can’t you bitching, moaning pussies make up your minds? Or does every issue just have to produce an argument? Does that make you feel unique and special, because you disagree? Congratulations, sir or ma’am, but you are not unique, because plenty of other idiots think along the same lines. ‘Hypocrite’ is synonymous with ‘Democrat.’ It’s that simple. I wonder if it’s our beliefs that make us so different, or if it’s actually the fact that roughly half our nation are hypocrites? I suppose it makes sense. I have met enough hypocrites to make it believable.
Now, I got off on a tangent there. It was an angry tangent, yes, but a glorious one. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. We were talking about high mercury levels in small children. Clearly the only way to remove this threat is to kill the fish. Without fish, the children will starve. Unless they get smart and eat Piggy on a deserted island and make forts out of rocks and put dead walrus heads on stakes. But I see no immediate flaws in my solution.
So, anyway. Yeah, they’re our children. Yeah, they’re sweet and innocent. Yeah, I’m delusional. But hey, wasn’t it Benjamin Franklin who once said, in reference to these same children (who are probably like some kind of great great great grandparents now, LOL!): ‘Fuck the children. A penny saved is a penny earned. Don’t stray too far from the corn-cob at the Buttcheeks Golf Course.’ The man was a genius, needless to say. So that’s about it from me today. Feel free to send me ideas for stories, discussions or opinions to write about. Maybe I’ll even consider them. Ha. Don’t send me stupid shit though. Thanks. chainedhobo@yahoo.com is the address.