What not to do on a first date with me
I knew I'd find my soul-mate
For whatever reason, people seem to get a kick out of my misfortunes and well “bloopers” that occur when I interact with females. So here’s a list of things not to do on a first date with me based on events that have actually happened in my experiences:
1. Do not include this phrase while talking to me the first time: “By the way, I have <Insert Digestive or Bowel Movement Problem Here>“ , especially while I’m eating. This will ruin your chances of arousing me indefinitely.
That is totally a second date type of thing to mention.
2. If you have never had a boyfriend before, you might not want to tell me. This statement immediately sets off a red flag in my head. Even if I choose to ignore it, it usually becomes apparent quite quickly why you have never had a boyfriend before.
3. Don’t wait until we get somewhere to tell me to look away while you check something; and as I peep over to see what you’re doing (an instinct in all men because we know when you’re up to something) let me catch you reaching down your pants to check for a tampon. Then after you conclude you forgot to plug up your bloody tube; bring me with you, and ask random people walking by for tampons.
4. It is not necessary to stand up in front of people and proclaim that you would never shit on someone’s face. Trust me, it was already implied.
5. Please tell me before we go out that you are involved with someone you spineless bitch.
6. Another act of women being cowards: Don’t think that by stating that ‘you just want to be friends’ or ‘that you are too busy to be involved’ gets by guys. We already know that you’re a cowardly piece of shit that can’t stomach letting us down without a false sense of hope; stop doing it.
7. Do not try to hide your gut with large clothes for the first few times out, then reveal your blubbery surprise at a later date and try to make up for it by “laying the smack down”. Your fat; no matter how much I may like you, looks always play some sort of roll, please try not to disgust me with your lumpy bullshit.
8. If the first time we hang out is in a swimming environment, SHAVE YOUR BIKINI LINE! Or I will forcefully do it for you.
9. Trying to get me drunk to find you attractive won’t work, but thanks for the liquor!
10. If I allow you to chose where in a movie theater we are sitting, please don’t make us sit by the retarded guy in the wheelchair that stares at me drooling during the entire show as I try my best to make some sort of advances towards you. It really distracts me from the task at hand by making me wonder if the cripple has beef; and believe me, I’d take him down in a second.
11. I do not find bringing your little bro along with us ‘cute’; next time he stays in the car, and I don’t care how cold it is.
12. Try to avoid running me over with a 4 wheeler or any other ORV for that matter.
13. If your crotch is burning, keep it to yourself.
14. When at Cedar Point, or any other place with children, try to not be all over me the entire time, thanks. And leave Ricky Martin at home.
15. Flashing my friends definitely does not earn you brownie points.
16. Me running over your patio furniture and peeing on your dog’s grave is a norm, please don’t bitch about it.
17. Suing me after you hurt yourself by hitting ME with a hockey stick also isn’t a good idea…
I can’t think of anymore right now that won’t get me in trouble or make me look like a huge asshole, so we’ll leave it at this for now. No worries, I’ll either think of more, or given a month’s time will be able to produce a whole new page on the subject; given my luck with women. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll find the right girl someday, right Tony?
Bah…..