The Scott Peterson Trial
Good evening, fellow Americans. The topic at hand will be the trial of a young man named Scott Peterson. I figured that since everyone’s talking about it, I had better research it myself and post my findings. We’ll start with a little background on the case, and conclude with my feelings regarding Scott’s guilt or innocence.
Scott Peterson, born Scott Marie Lee Peterson in 1978 in St. Louis, Missouri, was known to his friends and family as an upstanding citizen and kind individual throughout his life. Until this little fiasco, I would go so far as to say he was a saint! While studying at Harvard for over six years and receiving a degree in culinary arts, he was known around campus as a man who gave so much, and never expected anything in return. A fellow alumni and classmate of Scott’s quotes him as saying, “Ya know, Bob, all I really live for is retards and whinos. Once this is done, I’m going to start my own soup kitchen for the little mishaps. God, I love ‘em.” Shortly after college, he moved to Arizona, where he met his late wife, Left-Eye, a known arsonist and orphan who he cooked for and eventually developed a bond with that was so strong, the only thing that could break it apart was her murder! Folks, that is love. We could all learn a thing or two about it from my main man, Scott.
Life was good for Scott and Left-Eye. They soon had children, three little wonders, all of entirely different races. Puzzling as it seems to us, this is the norm in Arizona. Then came the event that turned Scott’s life upside-down: he found out his up and coming fourth child, still in Left-Eye’s womb, was gay. Three weeks later, Left-Eye and the gay baby were found floating near a beach somewhere in Saskatchewan. Scott was devastated. He had finally been at peace with his son’s sexuality, and now he and his wife were taken away from him! It soon became apparent that the police were very interested in his whereabouts and other things about him. He was a suspect in his wife’s murder! They wanted to know about the cult he belonged to, his alcoholism, and why he drove one of those gay little Jettas. And then they dared to suggest he was having an affair with another woman! All of these things are either irrelevant or untrue! I know the man personally and he is a real cool guy.