Movie Review: The Matrix Movies
Ah, the incredible Matrix movies. What crazy special effects! What a complex storyline! What big words the random old man in the TV room uses! What a douche Keanu Reeves is! There is so much to be said about the movies, because of the impact they had on those that have scene them. Like a sperm whale forgetting its nature and bull-rushing an art farm, we were totally unprepared for the message these films send us, which is this: “we are all here to do what we’re all here to do.” Ladies and gentlemen: Confuscious. I’m sorry, Matrix people; your little meaningless insights don’t mask the fact that you never really had an idea what the hell you were trying to convey, that you never really had a plot, and ‘confusing everyone’ is not synonymous with ‘intellectual storyline.’
I haven’t seen the third movie. Let me guess: “But Tony how can you judge the plot and how none of it makes sense if you haven’t seen the conclusion lol.” Because why should I have to watch three movies for one ending and all the answers? The whole premise is stupid. The first two movies are, in effect, rendered pointless, for those of you pathetically looking for philosophical meaning. Also, I heard the third one didn’t even answer much? It just raised more questions, no? Oh, those clever movie makers.
Ultimately, while it did have some philosophical potential, I think that the creators realized that they themselves lack the intellectual credentials (namely brains) to keep building on the first movie’s ‘messages’ (whatever the hell those were), and, hence, focused more on action in the second one, although there is some monotony in seeing Neo slap Agent Smith eight thousand times. Come on. The only cool part in Reloade, I thought, was watching Morpheus—who doesn’t even play much of a role anymore—kill those stupid, European, dreadlocked homosexuals, with none other than a samurai’s sword. At least it was cooler than the Architect’s monologue. Let me reiterate some of it for you:
You are the eventuality of a potential anomaly, adept at elucidating the massive ideogram of the American Political Spectrum. You are a sesquipedalian, King of the Jews, and prodigious in the lucid wake of the mark of karn. The Architect giveth, the Architect taketh away. A diminutive juvenile though you may be, an avid warrior of the anabolic structure of a photosynthetic material known as blah blah blah..
Now, I know that’s not the exact quote, but it’s damned close. That’s the kind of bullshit mumbo jumbo you’ll be getting from The Matrix series. I actually am not sure why I even decided to review, because I’m sure all of you have seen them, and have come to the same conclusions as I have, right? Ha, ha. Yeah, I bet. You’re probably still looking for the nonexistent answer beneath all of the bullshit Keanu Reeves and the Zionites are feeding you. Oh, by the way: my vote for worst scene ever is the Zion Rave Party/Trinity and Neo Sex Scene. These people have advanced space ships (or wherever the hell they are. I guess it’s not really space, just land of the unexplainable tunnels), can plug themselves into computers, and have flying, life-giving messiahs, but they dance to the beat of primitive drums and sport beautiful stained rags and jump up and down over and over. I’m just at a loss.